Tuesday, April 29, 2014


I am a fan of keeping things honest on here.  No one's life is one hundred percent cheery and happy all of the time.  It can really seem that way on the internet, however.  So by keeping things honest, I am going to tell you that I have been having a lot of really low self-esteem days.  I look in the mirror and hate what I see.  I believe during my last melt down, the word I used was "huge."

Cringe-worthy, I know.

Growing up, I was chunky.  I was made fun a lot for it.  My parents always told me I was beautiful.  My sister thought I was the most beautiful girl to walk the planet.  But somehow, some way, I fell into the trap that most young girls fall into.  I saw myself as ugly and huge.  When I got to be almost 170 pounds, I decided to do something about it.  I thought this would make me feel happy and confident in myself.  I got down to 123 pounds, which is not underweight for my height, but it certainly did not look healthy at all.  And I still saw "huge."

Now, I am in the best shape of my life.  I am able to run miles and miles without stopping.  I kick butt in Crossfit classes.  I can pick up really heavy things and set them back down again.  I have muscle definition in my arms.  My legs are beautiful.  And yet, I still look in the mirror and see "huge." 

I go through days like this.  Weeks even.  Then, something happens and things get put into perspective.  This time, I climbed a mountain.  As I looked out over the millions of trees and the gigantic ocean, I realized that I am not huge.  I am quite small.  I am just a grain of sand in the middle of a million other grains of sand.  

There is far more to me than just the parts that jiggle on my body.  I'm kind.  I'm compassionate.  I'm generous.  I like to think I'm funny.  Just because I can't see those things in the mirror, it doesn't mean they don't matter.  They matter more than whether or not I have a muffin top over my pants.

That goes for all of us.  Each and everyone of us is beautiful.  We all have amazing things about ourselves that make us unique.  We all have traits that we can't see in the mirror that make us who we are.  We are not huge.  In fact, compared to most things, we are quite small.  The ocean is huge.  The earth is huge.  The stars are huge.  The universe is huge.  I am not huge.  You are not huge.

I think Kimya Dawson says it best.  We should all live by her words:

"If you ever hear someone
Say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye"


  1. I love that "you have fat" saying. So true!

    Thanks for this honest post. I think many of us still fall into that trap of feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with what we see in the mirror, even when we're totally fit and healthy. I think the main problem lies in that the "ideal" body - as seen on TV! - isn't "fit", it's "thin". I will never be 5'10" with a BMI of 16. I'll never have a C-cup or a round butt. That's just not my body type. I have to learn to be happy with the best "my body type" I can have.

    So all this is to say that I totally get where you're coming from, and it's normal. I hope you come out of your slump soon, because you are totally hot...inside and out!

  2. I loved your raw honesty in this post. It is true that we all have those days and I am glad you are still able to talk about the positives of your body - running for miles, lifting heavy things, your amazing and capable thighs. You are an absolute beauty. You are so many things but huge is not one of them. I hope you look in the mirror soon and see the beauty you are! Thank you for sharing and letting us know we are not alone!

  3. Girl, I have been there. It is insane that that is where our minds sometimes go. Especially when there are fifty thousand other things in our lives more important than whether we feel huge or not. You are so right... in the grand scheme of the world, we are a tiny piece of dust. Our dumb brains just get in the way sometimes.

  4. Rachel, this post is wonderful. We all go to that "huge" place in our brains sometimes... for no reason. This is a beautiful reminder of what "huge" really means...and about the things that really matter. Thanks for sharing.